In chapter 8 of 'A New Earth', Tolle shares an ancient Sufi story with us. It is the story of a king who was tired of finding himself in extreme states of happiness or sadness and was looking to find a way to bring balance, serenity and wisdom into his life.
He sought the counsel of a wise man who was reputed to be enlightened and asked for his help, offering any price the wise man wished.
The wise man answered by stating that he could help but the price would be so great that his entire kingdom would not be sufficient payment, therefore it would be a gift as long as he honoured it.
A few weeks later the wise man returned to the king and presented him with a beautiful box decorated with jade. The king opened it and found a simple gold ring with the inscription, ‘This, too, will pass.’
The king asked, ‘What is the meaning of this?’ to which the wise man replied,
‘Wear this ring always. Whatever happens, before you call it good or bad, touch this ring and read the inscription. That way, you will always be at peace.’
‘This, too, will pass’, is a reminder that in any situation we are able to find an inner peace if we accept that a situation will not last forever. It allows us to consider a situation as being an opportunity for growth on our spiritual path.
(Borrowed from http://beinspiredtodayjpaige.blogspot.com/2009/03/this-too-will-pass.html)
I think about this fable often, during times of joy and sorrow. A newly acquired "twitter" friend reminded me how lucky I am to be a mom of my two wonderful little girls. Many people know of the long journey we took to be able to have them, but I have not written it down publicly until now.
Before I start, I want to preface by saying that there are so many families out there, especially in the airline industry for some odd reason, who are unable to have their own (biological) children. I put "biological" in parenthesis because I believe adopted children are still your own.
Our journey started in January of 2005 when I first saw the word I had so long to see:
8 little letters changed our lives forever! Some people thought we were silly, but we shared the news fairly early with family and close friends. As the weeks passed by, more and more people found out! At my 7 week appointment ( I started seeing my OB right after I got the +) I found out we were having not just 1 baby, but there were in fact 2 little sacs! As a first time mom/ pregnant woman, I had no idea what to expect from ultrasounds (u/s) or Doppler ( the thing you can hear the heartbeat with.) I didn't know that by this point we should be seeing a heartbeat- make that 2! The doctor began to challenge my "dates" ( last period, when we conceived- all that good stuff!) I was 100% sure of them. She never told me "why" she challenged me, just told me to come back in a week. Week 8 and 9 resulted in the same u/s and the same accusations.
Finally, week 10 arrived. My OB was out of town, so her PA did the u/s. She told us that she thought she saw a heartbeat in at least one baby! We were so thrilled! Up until now, my husband hadn't been to any of the u/s. He was there and we were so excited! He had to fly that day, so I sent him on his way and headed to the hospital, per the PA's request for a back-up u/s.
In this cold, sterile room a large Russian woman administered the u/s. She said " I see nothing, or I see debris. Go wait down the hall." Um, ok. WTH is going on?! Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she came back and instructed me to go back to the doctor's office.
As I sat in the doctor's office, I studied her paintings of Native American mothers and anatomically correct models of the uterus. Nurses walked by and no one said a word. Finally, after another eternity had passed, the PA came in and sat down. She gently told me that I had actually lost both babies. I knew there was a chance I was going to loose the one on the left, it was much smaller from the start, but BOTH?! I called my husband and he came home as soon as he could.
Most people don't tell that they are pregnant until they are at least 12 weeks. Here I was at 10 weeks and now I had to tell everyone who knew that I lost both babies. I felt like a dummy. What had I done wrong? Why didn't she listen to me when I told her my "dates?" Why didn't she tell me what I was supposed to expect?
The next few days were a blur. My mom flew in from CLE to be with us. I had a D&C. The OB actually admitted to my mom that she knew I was 12 weeks along, but never to me. Needless to say, once I was done with my follow-up visit, I never went back to her again. (1 year to the date of my surgery, I wrote the OB a letter telling her how awful she was.)
Fast forward to May of that year. We were eager to start trying again, since the doctor thought this was just a fluke. Many women have miscarriages the first time around. We were told it was nature's way of telling us something would have been wrong with the babies. I joined a new OBGYN practice and was ready to go! Again, got the + test and ran to the doctor. I wanted to be sure that he saw me from the start, just in case! They were fantastic! I had an u/s around 6 weeks. Then, one day at work, I started to cramp and hemorrhage. It was so scary, but I tried to remember that some women spot early on and it was no big deal. I went to the ER and the doctor said everything looked fine. They took some blood to check my levels. That was a Saturday. One Tuesday I went in for a follow-up and they checked my levels. They weren't doubling like they were supposed to. My new OB told me that I was to have another u/s and if there was no heartbeat, there probably wasn't ever going to be one. 7.5 weeks pregnant, I went for the u/s and once again left in anguish. I opted for another D&C because it was unfathomable for me to think I could "pass" the baby on my own. I know many brave women have done it, but I just couldn't.
When it was all over, we started to discover that many pilots were having trouble conceiving. We thought maybe the radiation from the control panels or being too close to the sun had something to do with it. Being the wonderful man that he is, my OB sent me for testing. Most OBs make you wait for 3 miscarriages before you can get tested. Since my presented the same way, he wasn't going to let me go through it all again. After A LOT of blood tests and weeks of waiting for results I found out that I had test positive for Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. This meant I was going to have to take Baby Aspirin before I tried to conceive again and multiple shots of Lovenox and Heparin during and after the pregnancy.
We had discussed the option of adoption by this point, but I was willing to go through the shots if it meant a baby could survive inside me. A dear friend of mine was trying to get pregnant the same time we were and she had to give herself shots just to ovulate. I couldn't decide which was worse; not being able to get pregnant or getting pregnant when your husband looks at you funny, just to find out the baby couldn't survive.
The emotional and physical recovery began, as did the planning of round 3. The Baby Aspirin started about 6 weeks before we decided to "try" again. Again, we saw that word that so many couples long to see: PREGNANT! I was afraid, but confident that we would be ok this time. We waited longer to tell everyone, we waited for a heartbeat. What a sight that was to see! My beloved u/s tech even shed a tear, I think!
Even though we had obviously been "doing this" for awhile, I never had the full Ashkenazi Panel (Genetic tests) run on my blood. I had been tested for Tay-Sachs and was negative, so my husband didn't need to get tested. However, the insurance company kept fighting me to get the entire panel done. Fast forward to being 18 weeks pregnant and getting the results back. YOU ARE A CARRIER FOR GAUCHER'S AND MUCOLIPIDOSES. It did not say that I had these disease, but if my husband was a carrier than the baby had at least a 25% chance of acquiring the disease. My husband was tested, but the results had to be sent out to California. We met with a wonderful genetic counselor who went over our statistical odds, family history, etc. We had to have that conversation no one wants to have- What if you're a carrier and the baby has the disease? What do we do? Without trying to start a political debate, we are both Pro-Choice. I don't know if I could have an abortion, but we did talk about the fact that we felt it would be selfish of us to keep the baby if there was a chance his or her life would be "compromised". Thank g-d we did not have to make that decision in the long run, but understand when parents do. My husband came back negative for both, but they cautioned us that they only tested for 4 strands of Mucolipidoses and there are others out there. We took our chances, those were odds we could live with.
Aside from having pneumonia at 28 weeks and going into Prodromal labor for 3 weeks, having to stick myself and look at heinous bruises, the pregnancy was fairly uneventful. I am not sure it I would have done as well as I did if it wasn't for an awesome group of women on www.babycenter.com dubbed the Lovely Ladies of Lovenox! For a group of stranger, we became each others' confidants, shoulders to cry on and experts on how to inject in the most gentile way! Hopefully some of them are reading this right now!
I was supposed to be induced on Monday, October 3, 2006. This way they would be able to control when I took my last shot of blood thinners, so I could ensure the ability for an epidural. As with most things, AF had other plans! At 11:15pm on September 30th, I gave myself a shot of Heparin. As I was about to get in bed, I sneezed...and thought I peed my pants! I went down to the bathroom and realized that my water just broke!
I called my OB, grabbed the puppy pads (yes, I actually had puppy pads!) and waddled to the car. 23 hours later- almost 3 hours of pushing- our beautiful, 8 lb 5 oz baby girl finally arrived! I tell her it took me 20.5 months to have her, instead of 9! She was born with an innocent heart murmur that gave us a scare, but is fine now!
We had decided that we wanted to have 2 kids a long time before we had AF. If I had had the twins, that would've been it for us. I figured that if AF was mobile, we could start trying. She shocked us at 10.5 months and started walking! I started taking the Baby Aspirin again and by December of 2007, right around Christmas, my period was late. I took a test...negative. For four days, I took tests. Finally, the day after my husband's High School reunion, the test was POSITIVE! I called my OB and scheduled an appointment for that Friday. I went in and everything looked good. They did a blood test in the office, just to confirm everything. Saturday I started spotting. Monday they called me and said the test came back negative. WTH?! I only took digital tests at this point, because the lines were to inconclusive for my liking. They deemed this a "chemical pregnancy." Again, we chalked this up to g-d's way of telling us something would've been wrong with the baby. This one was easier for me to deal with because I had never "seen" the baby in an u/s. I wouldn't need surgery, just some time.
Again, we talked about adoption. Should I just give myself a break and know that our family is complete with AF or should we keep going? My cousin had gone through multiple miscarriages. One of the Lovenox ladies had 11 I think. We decided this was the last hoorah! If it didn't "stick" we were done. Baby Aspirin- CHECK! Supply of Lovenox shots- Check! You know the rest- CHECK!
We found out were due November 27, 2008- right after Thanksgiving. I wasn't volunteering my house this year, that much I knew!! With my awesome OB by my side, we started the journey once again. I saw him more often than most people see their OBs but I was more than happy to. When the big 20 week u/s came, we found out we were having another girl! My husband said two things: "I know I will always be surrounded by beautiful women" and "Our next dog will be male!" At that point, we had 1 female dog, 1 female cat and 1 male cat, so he was outnumbered!
However, while they were doing the Level 2 u/s I got a little concerned. They had me almost upside down on the table. They were pushing and moving the baby around like I had never seen before. What was wrong?? This wasn't my "regular" u/s tech "S" because I had to go to the hospital this time. Would she be as honest with me as S was? Next thing I remember the perinatologist
came in. He told us that the baby was FINE...but...she has a 2-vessle cord. This could be absolutely fine or the baby could have possible brain, heart and kidney issues. Her heart and brain measured fine. We wouldn't know about the kidneys until she was further along, but we would need close monitoring. Yeah, just what we wanted!
A few weeks later I started having contractions. Were they Braxton Hicks? Were they really early labor signs?? I was assured that they were real, but not labor inducing. I was put on some heart medication (Terbutaline and Nifedipine) to slow them down. I didn't need bed rest, but I needed to "take it easy". Sure, worrying about if my baby is ok, sticking myself with needles, running after my almost 2 year old...no problem! The irony was that my husband had been furloughed from the airlines and was home at the end pregnancy. But now we had to throw in that I had to go back to work full-time so we didn't have to pay COBRA. Little did we know, my benefits weren't going to kick in for 30 days. I kept measuring "ahead" at the u/s. I was never diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but my amniotic fluid was always on the high end.
October 1, 2008 AF turned 2! She loved the "Backyardigans" so I made her a cake and had a few friends over. On the Saturday, the 18th, we had the family party at our house. Before everyone was able to leave, I headed to the hospital. The contractions were strong and close together. My parents were already in from Cleveland, so this was the perfect time to have a baby! Four more times that week I went in and they sent me home. They wanted to keep her in as long as possible to make sure her lungs were developed. Finally, that next Sunday I couldn't take it anymore! We called the OB on duty and was told to come in. She was 35 weeks 6 days. 37 is considered "full-term."
After 4 hours of Pitocin and them checking to see if I was dilated enough, they finally broke my water and declared I was 4cm. My husband thinks they lied and just wanted to get rid of me! We were in room 434, the same room we had AF in, so we knew it was fate! 3 hours later, JL was born weighing 6lbs 13oz...if she had waited the extra month, she would have been a giant! Like a lot of newborns, JL was jaundice and had to go back into the hospital for a some heat lamps. We brought her home on Halloween!
This post is in memory of Laurie Cohn Gerstein who was never able to hold her little girl.
